


Soap

by Tarlan



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Episode Related, Episode: s02e03 Runner, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-21
Updated: 2011-07-21
Packaged: 2017-10-21 15:23:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/226682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarlan/pseuds/Tarlan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney gets a little payback on Lorne and Sheppard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soap

**Author's Note:**

> SGAHC 5-minute challenge with the line: Hey, at least I have my boots on.

"This way, Major."

"Colonel," John stated again, gritting his teeth as he wondered how long it would take before Rodney managed to remember his new rank. Looking askance at Zelenka, he had to admit that it could take months judging by the number of times Rodney had called his fellow scientist Zippy, Zalunki, Zebunka and other contortions of the name before he finally started to get it right. Of course, there were those in Atlantis who were convinced this was a sham on Rodney's part; a deliberate ploy to annoy the people around him in order to keep them at arm's length. After all, he managed to recall most everything else any one said or done with astonishing accuracy...unfortunately.

John sighed heavily and plodded on behind the distracted scientists as they thread their way through the dank corridors in the northern-most part of the city. This area had been struck several times by Wraith darts brought down by Everett's rail guns, causing massive breaches in the city walls and sensor arrays. According to Rodney, one of those sensors held greater importance than previously imagined, which was why John found himself in these corridors with a repair crew consisting of Rodney and Zelenka.

Although a sweep by the Daedalus had not revealed any Wraith either awake or in hibernation, John did not want to take any chances with the lives of their top two scientists especially knowing their propensity for getting into trouble. Of course, he could have simply assigned a small security detail led by Major Lorne but, in truth, wandering around in the bowels of Atlantis seemed infinitely better than sitting in on Kavanagh's lecture on the environmental systems. If it had been Rodney or even Zelenka giving the lecture then he would have looked forward to it - though he would never let Rodney know that or he would never hear the end of it. The man's ego was already big enough without John helping to increase its size.

John gave a wry grin. Rodney reminded him of a teacher he'd once had who was so excited by the subject he taught that it became almost infectious. Plus he had the acerbic wit that dealt swiftly with idiots and surprisingly good marksmanship with a pen lid when someone was not paying attention. That kept things a little more interesting, especially when compared to Kavanagh's dry, monotone delivery, which was better than any sedative for putting people asleep.

"I wasn't talking to you, _Colonel_."

"You weren't?" John responded in feigned disbelief.

Major Lorne bit back on a grin and carried forward on point, leaving John wishing he could wipe the smug smile off Rodney's face. He narrowed his eyes, giving Rodney what John's mother had called _the evil eye_ because he knew Rodney had been talking to him rather than Lorne. Rodney did not talk to Lorne. Rodney avoided Lorne whenever possible and ignored him when it was not possible. It all stemmed from the disastrous mission on what Rodney had labeled _radiation death world_ and Lorne's less than complimentary comments to Rodney in particular before he went and got himself shot leaving Rodney at the mercy of an insane Aidan Ford. Rodney had yet to forgive Lorne on all counts--not that the Major minded being ignored by Rodney McKay. If only John could be so lucky.

John straightened when Lorne let out a half-strangled yell of disgust. Moments later, he discovered why as his legs sank to mid-calf in freezing, smelly water. The awful smell drifting up from the disturbed water was almost enough to turn John's stomach.

"Oh, that is really bad," came a muffled voice that sounded suspiciously like Rodney. Only then did John notice that both Rodney and Zelenka had pulled out small masks to cover their mouths and noses.

"Problem, _Colonel_?" Rodney asked in all innocence as he kept on wading forward, though John knew there was nothing innocent about McKay except his naiveté when dealing with the opposite sex. John knew there was a betting pool over whether McKay was still a virgin due to his complete inability to interact with anyone on a purely social level. Those odds seemed heavily stacked against McKay once Ford mentioned the dumb blond remark made to Samantha Carter, which caused Rodney's exile to Siberia.

"No. No problem, Rodney," he replied sweetly, trying to remain as polite as possible under the circumstances, grimacing as the cold water crawled up his leg in that really slimy, uncomfortable way while the smell left him fighting his gag reflex.

They walked on for another few minutes in a silence broken only by the sound of the water churning about their feet, sending up fresh bubbles filled with the most disgusting stench known to man.

"Got a little deep around here but, hey, at least I have my boots on," Rodney turned, removing his mask long enough for John to catch a glance of his ultra-smug smile, making John want to grab Rodney by the back of the neck and thrust him face down in the stagnant water.

"Well, hooray for you, Rodney."

"I have on my boots too," added Zelenka.

"Hooray for you too...Zippy," he snarled back, hating the feel of the slimy water slipping between his toes.

"Are you not wearing your boots? I distinctly recall sending a memo requesting all team members wear adequate footwear." Rodney removed the mask momentarily to give John his most innocent smile before replacing the mask and raising a finger. "Oh...but then I recall mentioning the wearing of sunscreen and hazmat suits on _Radiation Death World_ too. Perhaps that memo got lost along with this one." He turned away, seemingly half-muttering to himself when it was obvious that he wanted to be overheard. "Must get Kavanagh on that communication's problem."

"You've made your point, Rodney."

"I'm sorry. Was there a point being made here?"

Before John could answer, Zelenka chimed in. "We are here."

John settled against the corridor wall next to Lorne as the two scientists got to work, pulling open panels leading to the beautiful conduits powering the city. Despite appearances to the contrary, watching McKay at work fascinated him. The man could seem such a klutz in the field but when he focused on some piece of Ancient technology, or any other technology, his fingers were amazingly agile. On his laptop, his fingers danced like a virtuoso playing the piano, with quick sure motions as he depressed the keys, conjuring up the commands that would set the programs running to save their collective asses one more time.

This time was no different. He and Zelenka worked well together, bouncing ideas off each other as they reset circuits and, swiftly they had the panel lighting up to their joint satisfaction.

"Time to head back."

"That's it?"

"What were you expecting, Colonel? Three hours sunk up to our armpits in slime and bacteria infected water while the city groaned around us as if about to collapse in upon itself in some cliché from one of your moronic novels?"

"Well...maybe a little more excitement than..."

"Than what?"

"Well, if it was so easy then why are the two of you down here?"

Rodney raised both eyebrows, his expression mirrored by Zelenka.

"I thought you said he passed Mensa," muttered Zelenka.

"I know...must have been a fluke."

"Rodney?" John let the drawl of McKay's given name warn him that he was not in the mood for this and, in response, Rodney gave an exaggerated sigh.

"We are here for the same reason as you and...Major Lorne."

John pressed his lips tight to hide the grin. Rodney hated even acknowledging Lorne's existence unless absolutely necessary. Though, he could bet Rodney would not be so reluctant if a Wraith reared up in front of him right at this minute. Lorne pushed away from the wall, his face an unpleasant shade of gray as he fought the urge to puke. He stepped up close to the two scientists, his face tightening in annoyance.

"Are you telling me that we just walked a mile through freezing cold, knee deep, stagnant water, covering your asses, just so you didn't have to go listen to Dr. Kavanagh's lecture on the environment controls?"

"Exactly." Zelenka replied, pushing his glasses up his nose. "Even dank, smelly water in bowels of city more exciting than Kavanagh lecture."

If it wasn't so true, John would have taken out his gun and shot the pair of them.

"And if we head back now, we should be there just in time to slip into the back of the lecture room," Rodney added with a wide grin that was visible even behind his mask.

"...And save fellow scientists from mass suicide attempt by emptying room because of smell," Zelenka finished, mirroring the grin.

Lorne looked to John, the anger on his face slowly replaced by a speculative look. "Sounds good to me, Sir."

"I concur. But there's just one more thing." He flicked a look at Lorne and together, they reached over and pulled the masks from Rodney and Zelenka, offering a smug smile before covering their own mouths and noses.

Rodney and Zelenka stood there staring at them in horror for several seconds and then, as one, they reached into pockets and withdrew another mask and slipped it on.

"All you had to do was ask... _Colonel_."

Lorne hung back as the scientists began wading off back the way they had come.

"I'll help you hide the bodies," he mumbled through his stolen mask but John just grinned.

"But think of all the fun we'll miss when Kavanagh takes his revenge on these two."

Lorne's eyes crinkled. "So that's why you've not shot him yet."

"Geek watching is better than TV Soap any day."

THE END


End file.
